Life As I Know It

We sat in my living room catching up as he worked on my computer. We’d been friends for so long I could tell when something was bothering him. Minutes later we were consumed in conversation about his past love. He wanted to move on. He wanted to forget her. He even wished he’d never met her. “I wish I could just delete her the way you do browsing history on the computer.” He said quite defeated. I smiled. “If only it was that simple” He fell in love with a girl that never really loved him back. He spent years trying to win her heart and he lost himself in her. She built him up only to let him fall till all he had left were broken promises and a broken heart. It took him a while to reconcile with the idea that she was never meant for him. He pointed at the delete button and clicked “Just like that” This got me thinking… Could it all ever really be gone? Or are there microscopic traces left behind? Encrypted messages left reeling within us. Maybe not always visible, but always ...

From one of my favorite movies. Splendor in the Grass. "That though the radiance which was once so bright be now forever taken from my sight. Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, glory in the flower. We will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains behind." ---William Wordsworth

Deep in the city of mines lived a small, frail woman. She was a widow and had a son to look after. So nevertheless expenses were limited to the very bare-necessities. Every coin left in her purse always went to grant the child any bit of happiness, any bit of joy. And though as poor as could be, this woman was a strong woman, a confidant woman, a very hard working older woman. I loved everything about her. She was my favorite service partner. Partially because she always carried a bag of cookies with her. But mostly because you couldn't help but fall in love with her. Even her shoes. I was always amazed that for such a very tight budget she always managed to wear a pair of shoes to match her outfit. I was. Well, till she told me. See she didn't own hundreds of pairs of shoes. She didn't even own 10, or 5, or 2 pairs. She owned only but one pair. Every morning when she dressed she made sure to be tidy and clean, and that everything she wore matched perfectly... Even her shoe...

The other day, as I rummaged around through old folded clothes in our walk in closet I ran across an old toy. This monkey I got at the zoo when I was like 6. It’s wearing a blue dress I took from a doll and it’s absolutely hideous. But I hold it tight, and I remember just how much I loved it. I used to drag that thing around for hours. Oh and God forbid I couldn’t find it when bed time came around. It brought me so much warmth to see it. When I first saw it I was ecstatic. I held it close and reminisced. I even played with it for a couple of hours. This of course annoyed everyone at home because the only thing this monkey can do is squeak. At one point my mom looks at me and says. “Hay cosas que merecen quedarse en el pasado” Meaning: “this was cute when you were a child but if you don’t stop it, I’m gonna make sure it goes away forever”. I laughed at her. But she was right. At the end of the day, it took to a corner where it layed untouched and un-played with. After all I’m 23 now an...

Alice lost her way following a rabbit with a clock. She changed when she took a bottle labeled “Drink me” and a cake labeled “eat me”. And she almost drowned in a sea of tears. So how do you fall deep into a rabbit hole and come out the other end unchanged? You can’t. She fell deep in love for a boy that never loved her back. He broke her heart, tore it out of her chest till there was no breath inside of her. And into a world of nonsense she fell in. Half asleep, unable to wake up. He hurt her so bad; she didn’t know where to begin to pick up the pieces of her life. During the day it was very easy to be brave. But when night fell and the truth crept up in between dreams there was no escaping it. You see even if we lie to ourselves during the day. The body is compelled to speak the truth at night. Maybe it’s because we talk so much during the day we can’t hear what the heart is saying. And if you don’t pay attention, then it talks to you through a dream, or a memory. And a dre...

Love only comes once in a while. Knocks on your door, and throws you a smile. It takes every breath, leaves every scar, speaks to your soul, and sings to your heart. If I knew then what I know now…I’d fall in love. “There’s something so special about first loves don’t you think?” she says going through my memory box. “Yes, they come with a lot of firsts” – I say holding up a collection of snow globes I was once given. She laughs. “And a lot of t-shirts? You really never wore one of these?”   She asks. “Nope” I say holding up an oversized t-shirt “Ugh… I was too cool to care”. “What do you mean?” She looked at me puzzled. “I was young and very immature. I spent the majority of that relationship fighting love. I didn’t know what I wanted and I certainly didn’t know what I needed. I thought love would tie me down. I thought being on my own meant independence and more happiness.   I thought I had better fashion sense.” “Well but aren’t all young loves wild and crazy that wa...

I felt a sudden shift in the room, a new feeling in the air. And that’s when I saw him from the corner of my eye. And the once enormous arena felt like a four by four. I felt sick. You know that feeling that makes you feel lightheaded, like you can’t breathe and you’re hot all of a sudden. In that moment all I could feel was everything in me tensing up and desperation showing face. I was sure if I even gasped for air I wouldn’t remain unnoticed. I looked at him again. There he was throwing his head back, laughing with his friends. He looked so strange to me. Past the figure, I couldn’t recognize his way anymore. I didn’t know him anymore. But there he was, the man, the ghost, of a story that till that day taunted me.   See that’s the thing about facing old ghosts, it’s that they bring back the echo’s of an era you tried so terribly to put behind you. And like an old silent movie you’re mind replays fading memories and lost promises. It’s breathtaking in a deep, melancholy kind of...

While on the hospital I heard the most amazing story that touched my heart. Though indescribably heart breaking it reminds you that life will write itself and that ending you thought you had every right to write will be written for you… There they stood. Both angry over petty things. Over the choice of words of others. In complete disregard of what they both were feeling. She didn’t care for his explination. She was just tired and the argument pushed her over the edge. “Just leave okay! I don’t want to ever see you again! Just leave!” She screamed angrily. He looked at her with disbelief, but his pride stopped him from saying anything else. He slammed the door behind me. Mumbling anger in his words as he got in his car and drove off. She spent the rest of the afternoon spewing over everything that was said. Convinced that her pride was at stake here she convinced herself that she was right. She went through the house spilling all his contents of their relationship in the middle of her ...

S ometimes when I lay in bed all I can hear is the tick-tock of the clock. As if reminding me that life goes on. That no matter what I faced that day the world kept turning. It’s a bitter-sweet feeling. The other day as I was going through a photo box a recent picture of me fell out. Just plain old me on it, a close up of my face, my face with a few bruises and tubes. I searched the girls eyes, the girl that was staring at me. I tore my own picture and threw it in the trash… She disgusted me. I went and laid down on my bed, closing my eyes, trying to clear my mind. But all I could think about was that girl torn into tiny fragments with nothing to do but sit and wait to be made whole again. At that moment I knew the answer to my prayers. I got up, grabbed the trashcan and poured its contents onto the floor in front of me. I grabbed a piece of paper and some glue, laid it in front of me and poured the fragments on it. I was determined to put it back together. I knew it wasn’t somethi...

A heart attack is when blood vessels that supply blood to the heart are blocked, preventing enough oxygen from getting to the heart. Classic symptoms include sudden chest pain, shortness of breath, palpitations, sweating, and anxiety, along with fatigue. I had one at the age of 20. My heat stopped. My breath stopped. My thoughts stopped. My life stopped. And the sound of the machine read a flat line. Doctors scurried and nurses swung instruments and in matter of minutes electricity shook my body till a jolt finally woke me. After I felt weak and faint. I don’t remember being able to stay conscious. The next few days were a blur, just visions of a few seconds when I’d open my eyes and see a different family member or friend near my bedside. It was then I learned the truth in my grandmothers words Morir es facil. Vivir eso toma esfuerzo. Dying was easy, living was hard. Living takes guts, perseverance, strength, courage, and  determination. You can’t possibly know where y...

Her name was Arjumand Banu Begum when she would catch the eye of young prince Khurram in a way that would shape an entire empire’s history for all eternity. His name would change to “Shah Jahan” when he became the Mughal Emperor in the year 1628, after the death of his father Emperor Jahangir. The name “Shah Jahan” comes from Persian meaning “King of the World.” He called her Mumtaz Mahal, “jewel of the palace.” A Jewel he would lose when she experienced an untimely death while giving birth to their 14th child. Heartbroken, the emperor employed over 20,000 workers and 1000 elephants for two decades in order to build a fitting monument to the depth of their love. The Monument that is now known as The Taj Mahal. Shah Jahan, the king of the world, would later be imprisoned by his own son, with his only view through the barred window of his prison being that of the great monument to his long lost wife. Till this day it stands as a symbol of eternal love. Epic Love Stories. Now I...

 “I have been an intermezzo in his life…” I say biting my lip. And she nods because she understands. It’s her story. And her heart skips a beat, and a tear falls, and the sky in the darkest shade of gray agrees with a downpour of its own rain. And we sit and watch an old 1939 movie with a story that jumps from the screen. The story portrayed is that of a concert pianist and the affair he begins with his accompanist. A story so raw, of a love so meticulously built upon the unhappiness of others. Ingrid Bergman portrays Anita, a young, naïve soul, who falls in love desperately with out a care in the world. And Leslie Howard, as Holgar Brandt, a man so talented in his craft who cant resist putting everything on the line, even his family, to fall passionately and foolishly in love with someone else. Anita soon finds that living in the shadows of their love is not enough. That living in a far away place cut off from the world, or pretending that the past doesn’t exist, will not stop...

After a lifetime of searching what every girl really wants is to ride off into the sunset in the arms of the man she loves. Love is a series of fairy tales all wrapped into one. But how you write your’s is entirely up to you. Sleeping Beauty literally bleeds when touching the end of a spindle. Though long protected by those around her doom is eminent. So on a tower she waits in deep sleep for true loves first kiss , with out knowledge of the war waging for her outside. Philip has to battle an army of villains, followed by a dangerous road, and challenge a larger than life dragon before he ever gets to see his maiden. And when he does they both know they are exactly where they belong. And it gets me thinking how sometimes life hands us terrible plots where our heart literally bleeds and our lives are crushed. After certain blows most of us wish there was a tower we could lie in and hide in. And never have to see the world and know of its heartbreak. But then if we live life in hiding,...

I stood in front of the mirror and looked at all sides of the dress. A perfect (color non-existing-other-than-in-weddings) bridesmaid dress. A chiffon, one shoulder piece that I wont regret in wearing, when on the corner of my eye I observed a soon-to-be-bride stepping up to the platform, where she proceeded to twirl, mesmerized, while her company ooed and awed. I smiled at my mom and said “always a bridesmaid never a bride”. She looked at me puzzled partly because she doesn’t understand English and because if she did I’m pretty sure she’d give me the same look. Till I was 15 I had this innocent notion of love. I seriously believed you'd meet someone, you'd fall in love, and everything would end in a happy ending. After one too many fairy tales you begin to believe that love flourishes out of thin air and background music. That you casually bump into someone at your favorite coffee shop. Your coffee spills, and you both kneel down to clean, apologizing, both look up at the ...

Sitting a cross from each other on our way back home my best friend and I find ourselves immersed in conversation:   "I wish you could shop for men like you do shoes online or the perfect dress" My friend says looking up from a magazine. I laughed. "Even better. Narrowing down the search by category, color, size, and style." "And price!" she added. "Accompanied by a Disclaimer and the Return Policy" Sometimes we search for love the way we do clothes in a catalogue. We go on a quest to find the perfect guy who measures up to everything we want. We all want that perfect breathless fit. But it is in the search that we are often misled. We misread instructions, mistake the shape and colors, and find that what we ordered isn’t at all what we wanted to end up with. On paper anyone is a sweet talker and Prince Charming. But looks can be deceiving. Behind that wonderful face can be a heart that doesn’t know how to love. So we set certain standards...

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing the monkey bars. You have let go at some point so you can move forward… It was a long and cold lazy afternoon.  I found myself immersed in conversation with my cousin. We were sitting in the living room across from each other when he looked up from his phone and simply asked: “How do you decide to give up on someone? How do you know its time to let go?” I sipped my chamomile tea and sighed. “I don’t think you give up on the actual person. I think we give up on the circumstance. Because if you love someone, you love them unconditionally. But we’re only human. I guess we just fail when our faith gets tested.” We fall in love with love at a very young age. We live content with hand picked daisies and heart shaped letters. We welcome butterflies, dreams, and ideals. We paint castles and ever-afters. We allow our hands to be held, our deepest secrets to be known, and we share our laughter and our sorrows. We open up the w...

It’s unbelievable how much things can change in a year – my friend said. I sipped my hot coco and smiled “Yea. Your whole world can flip around. The rug can be pulled right under you when you least expect it.” Imagínate lo imaginable y la vida te sorprenderá. My father told me that once. And its true imagine the unimaginable and life will out do you. One day you wake up and you find yourself missing the good old lunch box days. Standing on your fathers toes dancing and twirling. Sitting on your mothers lap. And that tight grip of your fathers hand of a time where nothing and no one could hurt you or break you. Getting older comes with its challenges. When your world turns upside down, in a matter of seconds you can lose your grasp on reality. We end up with more baggage than we can carry. And though we wish otherwise life doesn’t come with directions at every road, stop, or crossing. Personally, the past years have been a rollercoaster ride for me health wise. And I’ve lost many...

In the cookies of life, sisters are the chocolate chips! “Here” – my sister says as she gives me a cup of hot chocolate. “I added marshmallows.” “Thanks” I say as I sit up in bed to drink wiping off the tears. “Maybe this will help” She leaves the room and within minutes comes back with her own pillow and lays down right next to me. Hands me a box of tissues and turns on the TV and we proceed to watch an old Fred Astaire movie. She isn’t one of many words. But this is her way of saying I’m here for you. Growing up with her had its ups and downs. But I have to say moments like these I wouldn’t trade her for the world. We are very different her and I. Six years apart to be exact. She’s not emotional or an over analyzer. She’d rather you not hug her or kiss her. It’s her way. She’s always been that way. But in every tragedy of my life she is the one person that keeps me grounded. In the past two years she’s not only taken the role of my sister but also has become like a se...

The following story was requested. “ You say it’s easier to burn than it is to build. It’s easier to hurt than to heal. But I say you lose when you give up what you love…” She wore a red chiffon dress. She was of fair skin, hazel eyes, and red lips. Her beauty was eminent in an effortless kind of way. Her long dark brown hair was playing with the breeze as she stood on the pier looking out at the horizon searching among the skies for a bit of strength and comfort. There was a sadness, melancholy, way about her. You could see it in her piercing eyes. Her very bruised and beaten heart was one that beat slowly. No amount of sunshine could take the cloud over her away. She sighed deeply as the wind blew by reminding her of things she didn’t want to hear.   He came up behind her and stood right next to her like he’d been there all along. They didn’t touch or speak for a while. The eerie silence between them could be broken any moment if they’d only let their souls say what th...