It was a clear autumn day.
Outside the birds were chirping and the breeze was blowing, and the sun was
shining brightly. She looked out of the window into the horizon unsure of how
they’d gotten here. She sighed, as a melancholy tear rolled down her cheek.
She looked at him. His eyes were
wide, and bleak, and tortured. And though he was flailing his limbs, yelling at
the top of his lungs at her, she could only hear the beating drum of her heart
as it became more and more anxious and self aware.He parked the car abruptly making her jolt out of her seat, hitting her head on the dashboard. And everything inside her screamed for help. But she knew better, so she composed herself.
He couldn’t understand why she
didn’t see things his way. It angered him beyond control. She could always push
that button in him. He spewed venom with every word, like tiny jagged swords
they carved their way into her being, as she wished the earth would swallow her
whole. As much as she loved him, she would never be enough. She’d do something
or say something to anger him and they would always end up here.
He gripped her forearm and she
flinched. And in rage he clenched his fist and struck her. Her head tossed back
from the brunt of the force. She gathered herself and held on to her stinging
face. And for the first time it was then she understood she would never be able
to fill the void inside his heart. She tried. Oh, how she tried. She invested 8
years into a relationship that only took and took till it left her unequivocally
dry. But the truth was there was no band-aid or stitch big enough to cover that
which ailed him. Instead of helping him mend the loose ends of his life and
fulfill his anguish, she seemed to fall right through it.
His demons were many and the
burden she had to carry was heavy. He never helped shoulder the weight. It was
always her responsibility to make things right for him. For a long time she
thought if she held on long enough she’d help chase away his pain. She thought
she could soothe away his ache. She thought that staying one more day would
make the difference. But his love was like walking through a mine field; it was
unavoidable that any slight movement would cause an explosion.
Their relationship was volatile
to say the least, and she stayed as long as she did because she feared him. He
coerced her to believe she would never be strong enough to do without him. So in
between the fights and the bruises, in between the screaming matches and the
throwing of objects… she lost herself somewhere in his darkness. Consumed her
life in the bitterness and sorrow she thought she well deserved.
She hadn’t always been this
woman. She used to be radiant, confident, and proud. But he stripped from her
every inch of good in her soul and left her drowning in dismay. See it’s hard
to find strength when you’ve been beaten. It’s hard to find the words when
you’ve been quieted. It’s hard to keep the faith when you’ve been broken. And it’s so easy to lose yourself among the
wreckage. So she believed he loved her in his own way. But his way was
unrelenting. His kind of love was like walking barefoot on shard, broken glass.
The jagged edges cutting into the core of her being. She was bruised and scarred, and haggard. All
things are bearable in small doses, but when it’s constant. It’s jarring.
They drove home in silence. Her
left cheek still throbbed from the pain, as her body shook from head to toe.
She breathed slowly, trying to compose herself, trying to muster up whatever
little courage she had left inside her rackety bones. It would have been easy
to fall apart, to let the tumultuous down pour of tears that welled up inside
her overflow. He expected that. Instead she went inside quietly and didn’t say
a word. He went directly to shower and she walked straight to the back closet
where they kept their suitcases. She packed quietly and quickly. She grabbed
some cash she kept hidden in a shoe box. And next to the bed on the coffee
table she left her golden wedding band and a note that read: “I don’t know what it was that made me love
you so unconditionally, or what it was that made you hate me the way you do.
But today I finally realized one undeniable truth… I can’t fix you. It’s not my
responsibility. You’ve gotta face these demons on your own. And I gotta get far
away from here. This is not just a battle lost darling, this is the whole war
and we have nothing left to weather…”
She got into her car and put the
car on drive. She wasn’t sure of where she was going. She wasn’t even sure of
what she’d do when she’d get there. She just knew she had to take her life back
that day. So she turned that car into the highway, and put the beams on high,
it was a dark road ahead … but she’d always find the light.
Pablo Neruda once wrote “Someday,
somewhere, anywhere, unfailingly, you’ll find yourself and that, and only that
can be the happiest or bitterest hour of your life”. This was her moment. Realizing your worth is a
dire part of human existence. Realizing that you have to make your well being a
priority is indicative of how much you value that worth.
They say that there is no safe
way to remain in a relationship with a person who has no conscience. The only
solution is to escape. Coming to this realization is the hardest thing yet. But
at some point there will be an unwavering comprehension that you are allowed to
walk away from toxic relationships and people who only hurt you. You are
allowed to be selfish and unforgiving. Don’t let anyone bury you so far beneath
the earth before you realize you are running out of air. At any point you have
the power to say “this is not how my story will end”.
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