You learn to live with the pain

I woke up to the sound of rain. I looked outside my window and the sun was gone. I sighed. And in the distance I heard her song. I opened my door and walked right into my mothers arms who was all ready crying.

Four years ago today she lost her mother… and I… I lost my grandmother.

Later on when I was getting ready my eyes fell across my grandmother’s ring. It's a gold ring with a tourquise stone, old and very worn out. I took it in my hand and put it on. And I just sat there looking at it, thinking and remembering. I closed my eyes and felt something catch my throat, a sudden surge of sadness that caught me unaware, almost taking my breath away. That’s the thing – you never get used to someone being gone. Especially someone you expected to be there forever. Just when you think its okay, when you think it’s reconciled, accepted. Someone or something points it out to you and it hits you all over again, that shocking.

Everyone deals with the loss of a loved one differently. My mom listens to songs that make her remember. I write about her often. Then there are those who put up a strong façade and go on with their lives not allowing themselves to process it. They choose not to think, to simply put it past them, like it never happened. It’s so much easier to pretend something never happened. It’s not that you want to forget the person you lost; it’s just if you admit it happened you open yourself up for a hurt bigger than you can ever imagine. But they fool themselves because by forgetting they only allow the memory to grow more tender. Making it impossible to let go, to forget, to move on, and to live.

I believe when you lose a loved one you cant really move on. That there is an entirely different “moving on” when someone dies. You just can’t put it behind you. You have to take it day by day, remembering, grieving, and moving on at the same time. But you can’t forget, it never stops hurting. It’s like they say… you just learn to live with the pain.

You always remember.You miss them every day regardless if its been 1 month or 4 years. You do the best you can to get by. You live on yesterdays and on memories that make you smile and you value all the things you learned and lived with them... And with time you find your way. And the only thing that gives you hope... is knowing that you'll see them again someday.